Maintaining Relationship When It's Hard

We live in a throw away society.  When something breaks, it’s easier and often cheaper to throw it away and get something new rather than trying to fix it.  While that may be true with the latest gadgets, too many of us have applied that same “throw away” principle to our relationships with others. 

When times get tough and conflicts arise, too many of us give into the temptation to just “throw away” that relationship in order to pick up a new one.  We aren’t necessarily conscious about it, but that doesn’t make it any less real.  Here are three I have seen over and over again:

• Marriages are thrown aside because it appears to be the easier way out of very difficult troubles that have developed.  Unfortunately what people come to find out is they simply exchange one set of problems for a new set, often greater than the first.  On top of that, the same problems that ended the old marriage are brought into the new one – sometimes with the same results.
• Families and friendships are fractured because someone says or does something to hurt the other one, but neither one is willing to actually deal with the problem, to say they are sorry or to try and reconcile.  So strain leads to distance and to relationship in name only.   
• Churches are wounded when two Christians (or two groups of Christians), both who claim they love the Lord, allow some hurt or disagreement to divide them so that one of them ultimately breaks fellowship and leaves the church body as a result.   

In each case, one or both parties decides to “throw away” the other rather than actually do the hard work of reconciliation.  Conflict resolution and biblical reconciliation are hard, no question about it.  It’s more satisfying to be right or to win the argument than it is to say you’re sorry.  It’s hard to rebuild trust when it’s broken.  It’s easier to avoid someone than it is to have a difficult conversation.  It’s hard to accept and treat someone respectfully when you disagree with them.  Arguing always appears more successful than dialogue.  And – especially for Christians – it’s always hard to decide what matters are really “secondary or disputable,” not worth worrying a thing about, and what matters are “essential” and worth defending.

This is nothing new.  Jesus dealt with this directly in Matthew 5:23-26 and 18:15-20.  Paul also dealt with it a lot, especially in Romans 14 and 15.  What do these important texts have in common?

1. Conflict is real and will continue to happen, unfortunately even in the lives of Christians.
2. Christians do not have the option to be “throw away” people.  We must always work for reconciliation.
3. While reconciliation is always the goal, we can only control our words and actions.  So we must make sure they are in line with Jesus. 
4. Grace, humility, forgiveness  and love are virtues we must always cultivate before, during and after any conflict arises.  They are the means to avoid it altogether and the only way to repair relationships if it occurs. 

Listen to Paul’s words of wisdom to the church in Rome as they fought over some “disputable matters” about how Christians should conduct themselves in the world.  “May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you the same attitude of mind toward each other that Christ Jesus had, so that with one mind and one voice you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.  Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God” (Romans 15:5-7).

No “throw away” relationships there!

What do you think?  How can we be sure not to be “throw away” people?

Holiness??? . . . Where it SHOULD begin!

It seems like every time the subject of holiness or sanctification is brought up outside of a group of pastors or seminary students that eyes begin to glaze over and people start to tune out.  I wonder why that is.  I don’t believe I have ever met someone who is open and seeking spiritually who didn’t want to know God and be used by Him in real and clear ways.  People want their lives to mean something, to count for something.  That SHOULD be where we begin in any discussion of holiness or sanctification. 

I believe sanctification can easily be defined like this:  to set something or someone apart for God’s holy purpose.

Talking about holiness, Eugene Peterson writes:

The unique thing about the holy is that it cannot be known or understood apart from entering it, apart from being formed by The Holy.  It is not a subject we learn from a book or a lecture.  We enter in . . . Holiness cannot be reduced to an emotional, devotional experience that we cultivate in order to “feel spiritual.”  It has command content to it.  Holiness is not an experience of sublimity that abstracts us from the world of work; it is an invitation to enter into what God is doing and intending to get done in the world.  And it’s for everyone . . . (The Jesus Way, p. 135, 137)

Over and over again the Bible talks about sanctification and holiness not as something we grab and hold, but a process or a journey we embark on for our entire life as followers of Jesus! 

What would our lives look like if we didn’t stop with studying the scriptures, but only used that study as a springboard for action?

What would our lives look like if our whole bodies, not just our mouths, were totally submitted to God to use for His good purposes? 

What would our lives look like if our love and devotion to God didn’t begin and end – or even peak – on Sunday morning, but permeated throughout the week in every aspect of our lives?

What would our lives look like if we began to grasp the idea that the most holy thing we might do in a given week is to listen with compassion to a hurting friend, to render aid to a complete stranger, to encourage our disappointed child, to thoughtfully and without fanfare give a hand to a stressed out spouse or to go the extra mile in our role as a volunteer? 

What would our lives look like if we willingly and gladly gave generously and sacrificially of our money and our resources not out of a sense of duty, but out of a devotion to set all things apart for God’s holy purpose?

I believe that is where holiness is, in questions just like that!  If we begin there, it might be controversial.  It certainly will be convicting and challenging.  But one thing is for sure . . . It won’t be irrelevant or boring!

What do you think?